Electric Hand Barbarian

Please indulge me with another one of my theories. Yeah, here we go again with some pointless Shenr-ific ramblings. Ah, but stay with me because the following ideas may ultimately transform your perception of life. Be forewarned that once I’ve monkey-fucked your mind it cannot be un-monkey-fucked. So if you’re content with your inane perception of the world and that which seemingly surrounds you, then stop now and resume porn surfing. Otherwise, prepare to be rocked! Here is the theory I’ve been hashing out since 1995: Back in the 1970s Hanna-Barbera commissioned the Eagles to revise their popular Scooby-Doo theme song. The Eagles wrote a theme song that highlighted a generic Scooby-Doo episode using disconnected images and abstract metaphors. Hanna-Barbera rejected this song, claiming it was too esoteric and obtuse for the young viewing demographic. Although rejected, the Eagles knew they had something special, so they used it as the title track on their fifth studio album, Hotel California. That’s right, the song Hotel California is an elaborate Scooby-Doo episode of sorts. Let us dissect some lyrics…

On a dark desert highway
...How many Scooby-Doo episodes start with the gang cruising down a “dark desert highway” in the Mystery Mobile? Too many to count!

Cool wind in my hair
...Ah! Scooby sticks his head out the van window and the cool night air rushes across his floppy ears scattering droplets of dog drool throughout the infinite desert.

Warm smell of colitis
Rising up through the air
...Read “colitis” as “Mary Jane” because we all know marijuana was the unseen but ever-present sixth member of the gang… hmm, Odd how “member of the gang” so easily becomes “gang member.” Basically, they’re trading bong hits and the Mystery Mobile is inundated with the sweat smoke of sticky greens.

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
...Ooooh, “Look gang, there’s a mysterious shimmering light in the distance,” exclaims Velma between coughing fits, “We better go investigate.” Perhaps a reference to a will-‘o-wisp occurrence or a hovering UFO. Hmm…UFO…desert…Area 54…You can connect the dots on your own.

My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
...Of course the gang is blurry-eyed; they are stoned outta their minds. These gang members always find a creepy place to stay the night. What’s wrong with a Motel 6? You know they’re not haunted because they always “…leave the light on for you.”

There she stood in the doorway
...In standard Scooby-Doo style, the benevolent lady in distress greets the gang and spills out her life story, which is interwoven with “shimmering lights” and a haunted bell tower.

I heard the mission bell
...Upon hearing the haunted bells ring out in the still night air, the meddling gang-bangers decide to unravel the mystery of the shimmy-shimmy-ya bell tower located next to Area 54.

And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
...Blah, blah random musings from Shaggy and Scooby as their drug-induced state turns sour.

Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
...Why do so many Scooby-Doo episodes have candles in this modern age of ee-lek-tris-sity? They really need to go to a Motel 6.

In truth, I cannot fully explain why the Eagles would pen a Scooby-Doo episode. I can come up with some possibilities like the one used to preface the lyric dissection, but generally my theories leave me empty. I know I’m honing in on the target, but my darts keep rolling wide to the right of the bull’s-eye. Perhaps Henley and Hanna were romantically involved. Maybe Hanna-Barbera and Elektra were involved in a secret pact to subvert the nation’s youth by hypnotizing them into doing a new entrancing dance called the “Electric Hand Barbarian.” I don’t know, I just don’t know! If we combine our collective minds we can solve the mystery of Hotel Scooby.

And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
...and so it was written, shenry at 7/17/2002 02:20:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .