Neko!

Had a great phone conversation with neko last night. It had been a while since we talked last and it took a good two-hours to catch up. She has a lot of interesting things going on in her life. You better keep me posted, neko! Anyway, the conversation had some good meat to it and some of it bears repeating here:

When I look back on the friends who have come and gone over my life, I would have never guessed which friends would grow apart, which ones would stay, and which ones would leave only to come back. Some old friends I try to reconnect with only to be saddened by the gulf between us. The forced conversation and uneasy atmosphere alludes to the conclusion that what was once a great friendship is now coming to end through no fault of either party. Some old friends I try to reconnect with and I am encouraged by the natural way we slip into familiarity. Even though a year may pass we effortlessly pick up the banter as if no time has passed at all. Neko falls into this category. The cast of characters in one’s life constantly rotates and cycles. Some believe that best friends are forever; I believe that friends grow and, unfortunately, sometimes they grow apart. It’s natural. I am grateful for the kick-ass friends who have enhanced my life, but we all have our own paths to follow and sometimes those paths diverge. (Okay, some of this is conversation afterthought.)

We made an odd observation about relationships/marriage. I’m going to trim last night’s entire superfluous rambling dialogue and distill the contents to a more succinct format. There exists a romantic notion that you should marry a person that you cannot envision yourself living without. I say that is unhealthy codependency. In a long-term relationship you must be able to say, “Hey, with or without my partner my life will go on.” This is an assertion of self-reliance and self-knowledge. You must know that you can exist without your partner; you must know who you are without your partner; you must know you have the emotional means to live without them. Conversely, you must know that your partner can lead an equally happy and fulfilling life without you. This is quite an anti-romantic notion but it makes sense. When couples consistently depend upon each other the relationship becomes one of necessity not choice, and this can result in feelings of being trapped. This trapping can be emotional, financial, whatever. When both individual depend upon each other then the relationship is codependent. Sometimes only one person is dependant upon the other and that type of relationship is parasitic, as one sucks away the strength and means of the other. When both parties know that their existence and happiness is not contingent upon the other person then they can freely enter into the implied contract of a long-term relationship. This contract must be one of choice not necessity, because necessity can harbor contempt.

We also touched on human motivation. Someone a long time ago told me, “People do what they want.” At first I denied the simplicity of those five words, but then I realized those were five of the most complex words I’d ever heard. I have yet to conceive of a scenario where a person would do something other than what they wanted to do. What if a guy has a gun to his head and he is told to suck off that goat over there or else he’s a dead man? The guy has a choice between goat-love and death; he is going to choose what he wants though the options presented to him are distasteful. Humans are programmed to look after their own needs first and foremost. It’s selfish self-preservation and it’s OKAY! “People do what they want.” The statement implicitly assigns responsibility for all actions; you are responsible for your actions because you have a choice and you are never forced into any action. The statement denies the existence of altruism, and asserts the doctrine that we are all compelled through greed and selfishness. Once you realize this you are free to indulge your every whim, understanding that you are ultimately responsible for your actions.

Anyway, it was good to hear from you neko. The conversation was intelligent, lively, introspective, and gossipy.

Had a friend, she once told me, "You got love, you ain't lonely."
...and so it was written, shenry at 8/14/2002 10:17:00 AM.
...and so it was appended with .