Parenthood

I want to preface this entry with the following: I love Rat Rubber(LC) dearly and I am happy being de-facto daddy. She’s a sweetie and she enhances my life in innumerable ways. She smothers me with hugs when I come home from work and she makes me laugh out loud a dozen times a day. But despite all that I still fanatically advise people never to have kids. I never intended to be a father. I am happy leading a hollow sterile existence where my genes will die with me.

Most people inherently agree with me, although they feign shock when the subject comes up and I force them to take a vow of childlessness. C’mon most pregnancies are of the oops variety anyway. I’m guessing (here I go making up numbers so I look like I know what I’m talking about) only 20% of all children are “planned,” indicating that the majority of parents didn’t want children or weren’t ready for them. Hell, if sex weren’t so fun and pleasurable there would be a lot less rug rats running and romping around. How would any sane person arrive at this conclusion:

I want a baby now. For the next 20 years I want to be completely responsible for the life of this child. This 20-year financial, emotional, social, and physical commitment is what I want, and I am 100% positive that I will feel this way unwaveringly for the next 20 years.

Yikes! No way, man. Imagine a world where getting preggers isn’t a pleasurable experience but it’s still quite easy, like all you gotta do is go down to the local DMV and fill out a Form FUBAR-01. Such conditions would lead to zero population growth. Only those insane 20% who actually plan their child’s conception would apply for pregnancy.

If you seriously have a hard-on for propagating the species or if you believe offspring to be your only shot at immortality then go drop off a load of man-goo at the local sperm depot. Or if you’re a woman count yourself as “lucky” since you can get over $3,500 per egg! =cha-ching= Imagine 20 years from now passing some random semi-familiar kid on the street when all the sudden you do a double-take and smirk at the unnamed possibility. Better yet, your flipping channels looking for something watchable and you pause on MTV because the kid with this week’s #7 video has the same nose, jaw, and eyebrows as you. Maybe, just maybe… The ultimate would be a knock on your door in the year 2025, “Hello, my mother was the famous actress Liv Tyler, and with her recent passing I am the sole heir to her fortune as well as sole recipient of all revenue from the complete Aerosmith catalogue. Despite the recent tragedy involving my mother and a delivery truck full of sporks, I am soberly happy because today the search for my biological father is fulfilled.” It could happen.

There are a few people out there who, indeed, fully comprehend the repercussion of reproduction and still, absurdly enough, want children. To you I raise my glass and salute, for it is you who remove the burden of propagation from my back. To you I raise my glass and drop a load of man-goo for your use as you see fit. Enjoy!

Time, don't let it slip away. Raise yo' drinkin' glass, here's to yesterday.
...and so it was written, shenry at 8/21/2002 01:53:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .