Vacation Review

So sweet to be back home. Here’s an overview of our vacation in Atlanta, Georgia.

Day 1, Thursday
Throbbing feet and stiff knees is a reminder that flying sucks. Lori asks a man on the plane, “Where you going?” “Bathroom,” he replies tersely. “Do you stand up and go pee?” she enquires?” Blank stare from man. Lori interrogates further, “Do you have a penis?”… First southern accent comes over the intercom at Atlanta’s airport urging some random costumer to the baggage pickup… Driving to Grammy’s and it’s dark. One, two, three. Three Waffle Houses in first mile driving from the airport. “I must eat there!” I declare. Not that Denver doesn’t have Waffle Houses; I can think of one… Kudzu at night… Driving through Atlanta is better than driving Hollywood. Look, that’s Tri-County High School where Big Boi and Andre3000 went. Hey, College Park is the home of Ludacris… So tired. Grammy said, “Sorry, we can’t turn the porch light on ‘cause it draws bugs.” Then I responded, “Really? Pencil, watercolor, or oil?” and I thought I was the funniest thing on the face of the earth. Ha!

Day 2, Friday
Sharing a house with three women leads to unique obstacles. An oversized fluffy toilet seat cover makes it impossible to keep the rim up. It keeps falling and smashing my knees in mid urine stream. I eventually balance the rim on my knee in a maneuver that is one part Karate Kid crane kick and one part signature Michael Jackson crotch grab… Article in the Atlant Journal-Constitution: “Measuring ‘blackness’ silly, dangerous”… Ah, Waffle House for breakfast: coffee, scramble eggs, grits, sausage patties, toast, apple butter, and a WAFFLE. Played some kickin’ songs on the Jukebox including a couple of Waffle House originals. It is cold and when the waitress enquires if we need anything else Lori pleads, “Can I have a blanket?” The waitress chuckles and turns down the air-conditioning… Driving in car. Headache. Tired. Why is Lori whispering, “nipple nipple nipple”? Everything is so fricking green. Ah, so that is kudzu, the green vine that grows so fast you can actually see it happening… It’s evening and I try to read outside while Lori blows bubbles. Bare feet + Mosquitos = Itchy + West Nile Disease. I went outside with size 10 foot and I’m going back inside with a size 11 foot. Go back inside. I listen to Springsteen’s Darkness on the Edge of Town and I read the lyrics in time with the song. I haven’t done this in a long time… Gotta pee. Screw this, I’m threading the needle from here on out and I’ll try to keep rim driblets to a minimum… Dinner at the original Dwarf House Chick-Fil-A: Steak, Diet Coke, and fried pie. Yes, steak at Chick-Fil-A.

Day 3, Saturday
Headache-ache-ache. The pain echoes. Acetaminophen. Flavored coffee… Shower. Shave with soap and water… Trip to take G.G. to beauty salon. (Why do I need to go on this trip?) Elder southern ladies must really like candy, because candy is everywhere that they are… Krystal for lunch. This is a delicacy that Denver does not have… Kudzu madness… Lori’s birthday party begins as the first guests arrive. Headache and more acetaminophen. Presents. Cake. Sherry’s high school friend Christy is very sweet. Vernon is my idol; I hope when I’m 40 I have as much life and energy as he does now at 74… Dinner at the Varsity with Christy. “Crusin’ for burgers in daddy’s new car…” Kind of, she has a new convertible Mustang. Crusin’ Atlanta’s hopping Peach Tree Street late at night with the top down and face to the wind. The young man piloting MARTA’s buss 2733 nods to me. On the highway I lean back and watch the stars swirling overhead interrupted by overpasses, streetlights, and highway signs.

Day 4, Sunday
Flavored coffee. Bon Jovi on MTV wailing live from Times Square, “shot through the heart and you’re to blame”… Church. Yeah, the man who believes organized religion holds no water is going to church out of respect for the in-laws. Kinda neat going to a Southern Baptist Church. The nasal, slightly high-pitched accent of the pastor sounds just like that warden from Cool Hand Luke. You know the guy with the famous line, “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” (Yeah, go dig through your Guns n’ Roses CDs and listen to Civil War if you want a refresher.) The cadence, the inflections, the drawl, and the accent is so what I expect… Steak & Ale for lunch with Wilson Philips’ Hold On droning in the background. Isn’t there an OutKast song that references Steak & Ale? Yeah, it’s in Mrs. Jackson: “I used to work at Steak 'N' Ale, Old Gold off in the kitchen. Had determination and graduated. Now I got the whole rap world fascinated”… WTF? No Broncos game! Argh! This blows hole. Why are they showing the Saints and the Buccaneers? I’m going insane. This more annoying than a battalion of Erkles armed with those weirding voice module devices from Dune!… Go on a LONG walk to cool off. Ah. The smell of barbeque. The sound of a hound talking to himself and a rooster annoying himself. Drenched in sweet, but not hot. Walk on the shady side of the street. Kudzu chasing me… Dinner: Fried chicken. You know, there’s not a lot of meat under all of that battered skin… Pucker those pretty coffee coolers… Soapy water. When you’re a guest the least you can do is wash the dishes.

Day 5, Monday
Flavored Cofffee. Read sports section and rejoice at the Broncos opening day victory over the Rams… Stake-‘n-Shake for lunch. Is a steakburger just like a hamburger? No Steak-‘n-Shakes in Denver. Chocolate malt is yummy… Long wait buying Grammy a new computer. Oooh a surprise present from Best Buy: Robert Plant’s new album, Dreamland! Thanks, Grammy… SUVs in ATL! WTF?!?… Barbeque Kitchen for dinner: Grilled honey cured ham, pole beans, cucumbers & onions, biscuits, cornbread, and strawberry cobbler.

Day 6, Tuesday
Tourist day. Lots of driving and lots of kudzu… Georgia Department of Transportation where Grammy works looks just like the Colorado Department of Transportation where I work. All government buildings look alike… Underground Atlanta. The cool darkness and old store fronts are overwhelmingly depressing. Don’t get me wrong the place is pretty neat, but it’s also sad. Lunch at the gyro stand in the food court with a German Chocolate Blizzard from Dairy Queen… Coca-Cola Museum. Cool historical stuff. That Mean Joe Green commercial where he’s limping off the field and the kid gives him a Coke then Mean Joe tosses his jersey to the kid still makes me misty eyed. Get to sample Coke flavors from all over the world. Disappointed that there is no Atlanta Kudzu Coke… Dinner at Krystal… Freaky cockroach in bathtub.

Day 7, Wednesday
Flavored coffee. Packing. Goodbyes. Lunch at the Wendy’s in Atlanta’s airport. (Yes, we have Wendy’s in Denver.)… Flying. Throbbing feet and creaky knees… We wait for our suitcases at the baggage claim and a southern accent fills the airport imploring some passenger to pick up a black courtesy phone. Huh, are we still in ATL?… Lunch in Denver at Chipotle with Nonnie. They don’t have Chipotle in Atlanta… Home. Late, tired, jetlagged, and halfway unpacked. Lori is asleep.

That’s about it. I ready for bed, so maybe more later (‘though I think I summed it up pretty good).
...and so it was written, shenry at 9/11/2002 08:53:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .