Parenting

Sunday I was trolling stores and malls looking for SSDiabolique’s birthday present when I stumbled upon a gem of gift. Unfortunately this gift was not ideal for SSDiabolique, instead it was perfect for 4-year old Chop Lizard(LC). I picked up the doll in its coffin shaped box and gazed into the wild jaundice eyes framed by hyper-angular brows. The cavernous carnivorous mouth housed jagged teeth and fangs dripping with blood. Unnaturally black hair transitioned into a stark black dress and provided an eerie contrast to the doll’s bloodless blue skin. The only color on the body was the red puncture wound just left of the doll’s sternum. I timidly caressed the taught shrink-wrap of the package as if this baneful innocence could, at any moment, rip through the clear plastic with its tiny blue fingers and devour my succulent pinky with its obscene fangs. This was a gift worthy of Chop Lizard, despite the $26 price tag. I rushed the nefarious Lilith Living Dead Doll home and wrapped it delicately in Sunday’s newspaper and on the outside I wrote in thick overpowering black Sharpie marker, “Happy Halloween, Chop Lizard. From Mommy and Daddy.” The fumes from the marker only enhanced my state of euphoria. I can’t wait for Chop Lizard to open her present.

So why was I taken aback when Anti-Shenry said, “Yeah, at first I was shocked by your unorthodox parenting technique, but lately I’ve come to appreciate it.”? At first I was offended and puzzled. All SSDiabolique and I can do is raise Chop Lizard the best we know how. “Unusual” and “untraditional” sure, but “unorthodox”? SSDiabolique recognized my insulted body posture and tilted her head at Chop Lizard. There she was in front of the TV wearing a white ballerina outfit topped with a fuzzy pink tiara and performing an artistic interpretive dance of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s I Want Pussy . Okay, maybe “unorthodox” is closer to the truth then I realized.

I thought back to Chop Lizard playing with her older friend Lucy. The two of them sat on the floor mesmerized by the overt aggression of Grand Theft Auto 3, while Lucy’s nimble 9-year old hand deftly maneuvered here stolen taxi onto the sidewalk to mow through a crowd of pedestrians. The stereo was assaulting their tiny ears with the violence of Whatever by Godsmack. At the time, I smiled and thought, “Hell yeah, this is what being a kid is all about.”

Then I reminisced about other Chop Lizard idiosyncrasies. Whenever she asks a guy, “Do you stand up and go pee?” I beam with pride. When I asked her to draw a picture of a pile of crap, she attacked the assignment with unprecedented vigor. When we’re jammin’ out to Missy Elliott’s Get Ur Freak On Chop Lizard and I will shout out in unison, “WHO'S THAT BIIIIITCH?” Come to think of it she knew all the lyrics to that song when she was 3-years old. She’s something special.

Unorthodox? Fuck being anything else!

This is quite the freaked out society in which I have to raise Chop Lizard. There are teen idols who stroke children’s malleable minds with one hand and simultaneously stroke the galvanized groin of adult males with the other hand. Government is no longer driven by the welfare of the citizens but by the kickbacks of big business. This nation has become a swirling toilet of people shouting, “It’s not my fault!” Blech. This is no longer Leave it to Beaver. Eventually, Chop Lizard is going to see, hear, feel, smell and taste this shit so it might as well be with me. At least this way I can supervise her exposure to the world… not as a chaperone, but more like a tour guide.

And if you look to the left wing you see a puppet spewing the same bull as that guy on the right wing… Please notice the unnatural implants on that pop star… If you ever act like that brat on that sitcom then I will kick your ass so hard you’ll be orbiting the earth until you turn 21… Keep in mind that all violence is simulated… Until society is ready to hear the word “BIIIIITCH” escape your tender lips, only say that word to daddy… If you look closely at that sports superstar you will see the bruises on his knuckles from when he beat his wife last night… People just don’t walk down the street with their 9-mm in one hand and a 40-oz in the other, despite what that song said. That’s the same mistake NASA made, mixing metric and standard units… You are smarter than everyone you see on TV, so act that way…

I baptize Chop Lizard in the unholy waters of streaming digital media. I inundate her with the crap that society heaps upon us and I hope that through this saturation she will become desensitized. I’m pre-developing her cynical mental calluses that won’t let stupid people annoy her. Hey, I’m doing all right.

Yeah my momma can not protect y'all
Yeah my momma can not protect y'all
...and so it was written, shenry at 10/01/2002 02:07:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .