Sports Spirit Guide

Some lucky individuals have spirit animals that offer their animal prowess to the individual when they are called upon. Try as I may, I have yet to find my own personal spirit animal. My top two candidates, the octopus and the sperm whale, didn’t quite pan out. When I call out to the mystic octopus or powerful sperm whale I am never answered. I’ve also found it’s a bad idea to shout, “SPERM WHALE!” in the middle of sex. After being rejected twice by animals way stupider than myself I decided to give up on my spiritual journey. However, I am comforted by the discovery of my sports spirit guide who lends me his personality whenever I summon #8 of the New York Knicks. I’ve noticed that a lot of people have sports spirit guides and don’t even realize it. Usually the individual will have an unnaturally high level of respect reserved for the particular sports player. A big give away is when the individual only watches a certain sports franchise because of one particular player. Here are a couple of example observations I’ve made:

My Mom & Ed McCaffrey
The human punching bag/wide receiver for the Denver Broncos is known for taking a beating every time he touches the ball. How can one player be such a magnet for abuse? After every joint cracking hit, #87 gets up and jogs back to the huddle to prepare for another beating. McCaffrey has a strong work ethic and a squeaky-clean family image. My mother sees herself reflected in Eddie Mac’s perseverance. Everyday she takes a mental beating from her 3rd graders and their parents, and the next day she goes back to work to do it again.

SSDiabolique & Allen Iverson
SSDiabolique appreciates A.I. for his paternal side. His tough tattooed and untraditional appearance masks a sensitive father who is often misunderstood and misrepresented by the media. SSDiabolique empathizes with A.I. because he is the scrappy underdog every time the 76ers go to the playoffs.

Benz-oh & Mike Anderson
First Mike Anderson was voted rookie of the year in 2000 and set Denver’s franchise record for total rushing yard by a rookie. Cool. When Terrell Davis and Olandis Gary were sidelined with season-ending injuries the Broncos called #38 and he performed like a trooper. Anderson stepped up to the line and did the Bronco’s dirty work with no flash and no glitz. When T.D. and O.G. were ready for rushing this year Anderson was demoted from halfback to fullback, which is the position of the true NFL unsung hero. My bro, Benz-oh, is the just like Anderson: quiet, unpretentious, seeking no glamour, and does what is necessary without complaint.

Shenry & Latrell Spreewell
You gotta love Spree! Remember the 1999 NBA playoffs when the 8th seeded Knicks made it to the finals? Spree made it happen. The man did not stop running the court. He carried the team on his untiring, unbreakable legs. I can’t count the times I’ve carried my own coworkers and supervisors through a project. The difference is Spree had assistance from Marcus Camby, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Allan Houston while I have anti-assistance from my reject teammates. Recently Spree has been suspended for failing to report a broken hand to the team. Rumor has it that Spree fractured his hand when he punched somebody in the face because the guy ralphed on Spree’s yacht. In my opinion, breaking my hand on someone’s face would be the penultimate reason for suspension from work (especially a manager’s face or a boss’s face). Knowing the government, I’d probably be suspended WITH pay. So what would be the ULTIMATE reason for getting kicked out of work? Choking my boss in the manner Spree throttled his coach in 1997. I smile when I visualize such an occurrence. Spree was suspended for 5 months and the judge dismissed all assault charges. What a sweet deal. Latrell Spreewell is my hero and my Sports Spirit Guide.
...and so it was written, shenry at 11/01/2002 01:09:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .