Child/Parent Bonding

Teach your children to cuss. Teach them to string together obscenities laced with venereal diseases and bodily fluids. Nothing spices up an insult like syphilis and puss. (Whenever I’m at a loss for a witty retort I always fall back on good ol’ syphilis.) Your child will love you for their newfound lingual freedoms. Teachers and grandparents may not understand at first, but tell them that Shenry said it’s okay. If they are still not buying your nontraditional parenting style then invite them over for brunch and slip some lithium into that midmorning batch of mimosas you’ve whipped up. See how unnaturally relaxed they are? It’s cause they love you and they trust your parental judgment.

With the high-definition imagination of a spunky toddler I promise you will hear new creative combinations that our stunted adult minds could never invent. You will be the envy of all coworkers when you’re yapping around the water cooler and you bust out your child’s favorite one-liners. In a world where originality of thought is lost in a deluge of clichés, it’s time to tap a new resource. It’s time to tear ourselves away from our jobs, our chores, and our computers. It’s time to turn to junior and say, “I’m spending time with you tonight.” Give them the attention they need and deserve. Focus their energies on top quality, consistent swearing. Nobody else is going to teach them, so it’s our duty as parents. This isn’t like that uncomfortable anti-drug talk where you have to fess up to those “experimental” years. This is a subject that parents and children can enjoy together.

I’ve whipped together a weeks worth of activities that you and your child can work on together.

~Monday is Genitalia Day. For an hour discuss the human reproductive organs. Draw pictures and label parts accordingly. Discuss various orifices and develop new and creative means for penetration. Remember that most genitalia has more than one name, so be sure to explore all possible synonyms.

~Tuesday is Bodily Functions Day. Review all the disgusting things the human body does. This is a great day to investigate various bodily fluids and (my personal favorite) excrement types. Explore sensory words (i.e., taste, touch, smell, hear, see) related to these body functions.

~Wednesday is Blasphemy Day. There are innumerable ways to insult the unseen powers that be. Don’t worry about going to hell; you are spending quality time with your child and no noble deity would condemn such a bonding experience. If your chosen god(s) strictly prohibits such divine slander then invite him/her over for brunch and serve up your “special” mimosa concoction. Amen.

~Thursday is Movie Day. Choose movies with high quality cussing. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut is a wonderful choice; too many people just laugh and laugh without ever picking up on the subtle underlying theme that explores why dirty words have such a weighty social impact. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back includes some unique streams of profanity. If your child is an advanced learner then it’s time to pop in a Quentin Tarantino flick and explore the synergy between offensive language and violence.

~Friday is Bringing It All Together Day. Review the week’s worth of work. Talk about peripheral subjects traditionally linked to slander, such as barnyard animals, venereal diseases, genealogy, drugs, physical (dis)abilities, and mental prowess. Keep in mind that children thrive on positive reinforcement so applauded their efforts and reward them with a trip to the grandparent’s house.

The children will love you for your efforts, time, and intimate interactions. As a parent you will feel fulfilled and proud when junior cusses out the next car that cuts you off. While most second and third graders are timidly testing out various forbidden fecal references on the playgrounds, your children will be confidently weaving tapestries of filth that will leave their peers in reverent awe.

If we band together as progressive parents we can mitigate the social stigma that surround certain words. Curse words are just that... words. Whether we intend to or not, we as adults teach the kiddies that mere words can injure. Printed or spoken, society attaches the power of hurt to these insignificant forbidden words. Lets be honest with our children and inform them that words alone will not make you bleed. Let the children cuss freely, thus breaking a false societal taboo restricting free thought and open communication. It may be too late for our generation. Many of us will always cringe or laugh uneasily at profanity, but it is our duty to break this cycle that has been handed to us by our parents and our parents’ parents.

Think of the children.
...and so it was written, shenry at 3/29/2003 12:21:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .