Oracles come and go

These are not the days of Ulysses' Odyssey; hence, oracles are hard to come by and you gotta take your oracles where you find them. Thank the ever-adorable dementia of the gummi for providing a link to a real, honest-to-goodness 21st century oracle... The Oracle of Starbucks.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.

Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

...The oracle divined all this from a venti drip with no room for cream. I guess they don't build oracles like they used to.

I remember that ol' crazy Oracle at Delphi. That dude was a trip. Hephaestus, Delphi, and I used to chill at Hades' drinking our martinis and chain-smoking our Marlboro reds. I remember this time Hephaestus was all like, "Dude Shenry, bum me a light."

And I was all like, "You're the mother-fucking god of goddamn fire, man. Get your own light, yo."

Then Delphi got all melodramatic oracle on our asses, "Hey Hephaestus, your Zippo was stolen by Prometheus, man."

Hades just kept laughing because he was a huge pot-head and never pulled his chapped lips off his bong unless he was coughing or giggling.

Delphi got all pissed at Hades because Hades was just pointing at Delphi and laughing. "Shut up, Hades. You're a boner-biting bastard-ass. I saw Prometheus snag his Zippo last night when we went on that nacho run. Remember, you knob-asses went into 7-11 to get your Super fucking-ass Big Gulps and your dumb-ass nachos. Prometheus and I stayed in Shenry's piece-of-ass VW Gulf and I saw bitch-ass Prometheus take Hephaestus' ass-y Zippo. And, dude Shenry, you seriously gotta get that orange-ass check engine light fixed, man."

Hades was all like trying to talk and stuff between giggles, "You said 'ass', like, twenty fucking times. Shit, you are so lame."

...Ah well. Looking back on it all, I guess Delphi was kind of a dork. Good oracles have always been hard to come by.
...and so it was written, shenry at 3/15/2003 10:13:00 AM.
...and so it was appended with .