Annual Review

My bosses called me in for my annual review. We did our professional song and dance together. They led and I followed. Cheek to cheek, we danced to such classics as the Individual Performance Objectives Serenade and the Competency Areas Suite, which is subdivided into four movements, Professional/Technical, People Skills, Administrative, and Human Resource Management. We freestyled through the Comment Concerto; they mamboed and twirled whilst I bust out the robot and the worm.

All this prancing around for show culminated in my annual Performance Rating. Outstanding, Very Good, Good, Needs Improvement, what shall my rating be this year? Last year I was rated Outstanding, the highest of honors. This year... Good. I dropped two categorical ratings and I'm one step away from the lowly Needs Improvement rating.

Do not weep for me; this was done per my design. I have manipulated the system to my benefit.

Historically, pay increases have been tied to the Performance Rating. An Outstanding rating warrants a 5% raise while a Needs Improvement rating results in no raise at all. Last year, I spent a good amount of time packing my manila gun full of high power ammo. I stepped into the conference room with a knowing grin on my face and a virtual arsenal under my arm. I assumed the opening stance of the Destruction Tango and proceeded to hypnotize my bosses with my graceful argumentative maneuvers and supportive ammunition. Blam: Progress graphs. Ka-Pow: Gantt charts. Sha-Shing: data logs. Thwack: pie charts. My bosses were helpless and surrendered an Outstanding rating to me. I was victorious.

In this year of financial hardship the governmental powers that be declared a moratorium on raises. Why even pretend to dance when there is neither reward nor repercussion for any Performance Rating? An Outstanding and a Needs Improvement result in the same amount of nothing. It's distressing that there will be no raises this year, but it may work to my advantage. I was worried about topping last year's Tango of Destruction. I had set the bar so high that there was no way to top it this year. The idea of a Performance Rating PowerPoint presentation tickled my noggin, but even that, I feared, would fall short of last year's persuasive dance. Thankfully, the economy crashed resulting in no raises for anybody, and I was spared the stress of Performance Review preparation.

This year I purposefully self-destructed. I dressed down for my review, jeans and t-shirt. I didn't even glance at the documents and forms. When the bosses called me in for my review I slouched down in my chair and popped a piece of gum in my mouth. We danced, but I just went through the motions half-assed. Finally, it was time to assign a Performance Rating.

In unison, the bosses leaned forward, "What do you think you should be rated as, Shenry?"

I steepled my fingers and snapped my gum flippantly, "Seeing as how there is no money attached to this rating: Good."

There was a long pause as my bosses spoke to each other with their eyes. They had not expected this. What would they do with an employee who requests a Performance Rating lower than what they had in mind? They checked the Good box. I signed off on the document. And the rating was sealed.

Next year, assuming raises are reinstated, I will have an easy time justifying an Outstanding rating. I set the bar so low this year that a shrew could burrow over it. I am planning for the future.
...and so it was written, shenry at 4/18/2003 08:41:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .