If I could be any woman I would be…

If I could be any man I would be me, but I’m kind of biased on this “what if” scenario. I am a man. I am not, however, a woman. Therefore, by asking myself “If I could be any woman in the world who would I be?” I automatically put myself in the realm of never-gonna-happen. I believe I was 10-years-old the first time I inadvertently answered this querry. Ever since, I periodically revisit this question and revise it accordingly.

Blame it on the ThunderCats. I was 10-years-old and if I could’ve been any ThunderCat I would’ve chosen Cheetara, with her speed, agility, yellow hair, aversion to wearing sleeves on her right arm, and eye markings ripped off straight from KISS. In my wee mind the real question was: Who wouldn’t want to be Cheetara? Well my brother for one. He much preferred Panthro, who I will concede is one smooth dude, but Cheetara could whomp his ass any day. As the question stands today, Cheetara is not a viable choice because... well, she’s not real.

With slight embracement, I remember back in the day when my hormones ran amok in my pubescent body I used to debate between being Pamela Anderson or Yasmine Bleeth. It’s easy to see what the driving motive is here. It’s not intelligence, nor suaveness, nor strength... It’s slow-mo running ability. Ba-bounce, ba-bounce, ba-bounce. Yes, that’s all that mattered to my single-track adolescent mind. Life was so much simpler then. Mercifully, it didn’t take long for the ho-factor to grow old with this pair of pairs, and I developed a sense of class with regards to my soul-searching question.

Sigourney Weaver circa Alien3. Yeah, Alien3 blew chunks as a movie, but bald Sigourney Weaver rocked. Why did Vin Diesel shave his head? If Vin could be any woman he would choose Sigourney Weaver, also. Even today, Siggy is a solid choice. She’s a decent actress, she’s done a couple of good movies, and she’s got that whole female-with-testosterone thing going for her.

It took me several years, but I found an upgrade from Siggy Weaver: Chrissie Hynde from The Pretenders. Though a visual downgrade from Siggy, Chrissie is a major talent upgrade. I’m talking guitar goddess, lyrical guru, and a voice that demands respect. Fronting a timeless rock band, she is a pioneer for all women wanting to explode into the rock ’n’ roll scene. If I could be any woman I would be a talented barrier-breaking icon who exudes inner strength and self-respect. At this point I figured I had answered my hypothetical question once and for all.

Talent. Strength. Intelligence. Self-confidence. Timelessness. Bad-assness. ...These are the ingredients that make me shout, “I wanna be her!” It’s a solid list, but I recently realized I have been overlooking the quintessential spice from which all that is womanly is derived. Sexuality, baby! How could I have overlooked sexuality? Hey, I’m a guy. I’m about as sensual and sultry as a leg-humping Doberman. I’m completely ignorant on how sexuality works and as such I have no defense mechanism against it.

(On a side note, I fear the day when Silver Queen realizes she can control me unconditionally through her sexy ways. All she has to do is wink the right way and I drop to the floor prostrated, “What is thy divine command?” My working theory is that she already knows; she is so subtle with her power that I don’t even know she knows.)

The other day I was crusin’ in my stylin’ VW Golf when the clouds parted, planets aligned, and my speakers shattered with, “Put the pussy on ya, like I told ya!” Broken beats, DJ scratching, and backwards verses proclaimed Missy Elliott to be my new answer to a question that has plagued me for 17 years. I’m not going to bore you with a detailed account of why she fits the afore mention specifications of talent, strength, etc. If you care peep this article. I am going to touch on a couple of bonuses that elevate her over my previous choices. Missy is overt about sexuality without coming across as slutty. She identifies the vulnerable nature of femininity, without being sappy. She is secure in the power of womanhood, without being overbearing. Furthermore, there’s no doubting the mental fortitude of an individual who transforms her entire body. Have you seen how much Missy Elliott has changed? Check it out: Before and after. That kind of metamorphosis takes will power. But, even at her heavier weight Missy exuded self-confident sensuality, which just goes to show that being sexy is a function of the mind and not a function of some pre-fabricated societal image that’s been crammed down our collective throats by marketing departments of mega-corporate machines that pander their products by exploiting the female form. There you have it: If I could be any woman I would be Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott.

Well, who would you choose?
...and so it was written, shenry at 5/08/2003 03:09:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .