King

Well it’s Election Day here in Denver. Time to roll the dice on a new mayor and other random government officials. It’s also time to lock&load and shoot down the newest local ballet issues, the majority of which require raising taxes or increasing local government debt. The government is already bloated and over funded. No more money for them.

Are you ready Colorado? I’m lying out a 5-step plan to solve your perceived financial shortcomings.

(1) Fire me.

(2) Take all those nickels and quarters you usually pay me and put them in a sock. Make sure the sock is an old school full-length athletic tube sock with three green horizontal stripes along the top (think: Larry Bird).

(3) Tie off the open end of the sock with a solid knot.

(4) Increase productivity by unleashing the full furry of the sock o’ quarters on all inefficient government employees who spend too much time porn surfing, blog hopping, zoning out, or reading the entire sports page whilst perched upon the can in stall #2. Just sneak up behind them and Ka-TWACK! Okay, maybe it’s not so easy to sneak up behind the guy in the bathroom. You’ll have to kick in the stall door SWAT style and Ka-TWACK him across his left temple.

(5) Anoint me King of Colorado (hence forth to be known as Shenrado) for my Mr. T-like wisdom in solving the irksome state budget dilemma. I promise to be a fair and wise king who will re-legalize pot and prostitution; thus, tapping into new sources of taxable revenue and solving all of Shenrado’s troubles. Teachers will be justly compensated, bureaucracy will be eradicated, potholes will be filled, neighborhoods will be safe at night, criminals will be ground up and processed into faux-chicken nuggets, nobody will want for food, and I will dispense inconsistent justice with my regal sock o' quarters.

All hail his supa’badass majesty... Shenry, Kink of Shenrado!
...and so it was written, shenry at 5/06/2003 03:46:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .