Job Security and Workplace Masturbation

As a government employee I’m somewhat isolated from economic trends. I hear the economy is stumbling and, consequently, unemployment is on the rise. My job is secure, but I’ve been a little worried about my buddy, the Anti-Shenry. So I asked him, “Dude, what’s the possibility of you getting fired?”

He laughed and made the ridiculous claim that it would be easier for me to get fired than for him to get fired. I wish I could tell you exactly what the Anti-Shenry does for a living, but I’m sketchy on the details myself… something about computers and programming and a meth lab under the stairs.

I could fuck around all day everyday without generating a single useful product in the next 30-years and still retire from my organization as a “respectable” employee.

I could chronically sleep at my desk with nary an eyebrow raised in my general direction. Sad, but true.

I could arrive at work an hour late everyday, take a 2-hour lunch everyday, and leave an hour early everyday for the rest of eternity and never get disciplined.

I could spend six-hours a day in bathroom stall #2. What are they going to do? Nothing. You know, I could make it comfy by packing a cooler full of refreshments and bringing a good book or a Gameboy.

I could stumble into work late with a hangover then comeback late from lunch plastered and nobody would care.

Shit, I wouldn’t even have to come back from lunch. Basically, I could get away with a 3-hour workday, everyday.

Oh yeah? I could park my car at work then walk a block to Hooters and spend all day drinking, watching sports, and hitting on skanky waitresses. At the end of the month, I’d still get paid.

I don’t even have to park my car in the lot. I could simply stop going to work and they wouldn’t fire me for a year or so. Seriously, dude.

I could walk into my boss’s office and, while he is watching, take a crap on his desk. After which, I could wipe my ass with his ugly face and I wouldn’t get fired.

I could publicly shoot heroin at my desk and only suffer a stiff reprimand from my supervisor. Speaking of which can I borrow your needle?

I could mow down a dozen coworkers with this here Negev machinegun and not get fired. Management would just send me to sensitivity training or some other touchy-feely seminar.

Who said what is irrelevant as we concluded that our jobs are abnormally secure. We did discover one situation that would get us both fired. Porn is the key; however, porn –in and of itself- would not get us fired, as we both have complex and convoluted appeal processes before any real firing occurs. These appeal processes could last in excess of two-years, which would thoroughly dilute a simple porn infraction.

Maybe, just maybe… If I were caught in my cubicle actively browsing kiddy porn with my pant down and dick in hand all the while shouting “Fuck me harder you dirty eight-year-old whore” then I might (50-50 chance) get fired.

This hypothetical situation is so obscure that I can safely say it is impossible for me to get fired. Masturbation at work is a concept beyond my comprehension. Perhaps this is due to the nonexistence of femininity at my job. The handful of women that do work here tend to be more masculine than the standard eunuch male engineer. Maybe if I were a photographer for Penthouse Magazine I might find workplace masturbation unavoidably necessary.

If for some inconceivable reason I were to tickle my monkey at work, I would lock myself away in bathroom stall #2. What if, in the midst of blowing my load, the stall door somehow unlatches and swings open revealing my monkey business to a bathroom full of coworkers? Can I get fired? I bet the employee conduct handbook does not address this behavior, not even implicitly.

On one hand, I’m masturbating on work time. On the other hand, I’m in the freaking bathroom where I’m allowed to take meditative craps on work time.

Hand #1 philosophizes that self-love is a sexual act not appropriate in the workplace. Hand #2 believes that the bathroom is not technically the “workplace” as a lot of naturally disgusting things happen in the bathroom.

Hand #1, says choking the chicken at work is just… fucking creepy. Hand #2 postulates that Hand #1 is sexually repressed and needs to slap his Puritan beliefs back to the dark age.

Hand #1 concedes to Hand #2’s logic and the three of us are now off to the bathroom.

See ya in 2-minute.
...and so it was written, shenry at 7/11/2003 09:56:00 AM.
...and so it was appended with .