the shackles of time

I boycott Friday’s employee appreciation luncheon and look at what happens… big boss-man swings by my cubicle for an unprecedented visit. Naw, I wasn’t in trouble. Big boss-man just wanted to “appriciate” me with a handshake and surprise gift.

Didn’t you fuck-hole managers get my silent memo? Your cheap-ass appreciation is unwanted; it is an insult. Thanks for swinging by, big boss-man, but you’ve never bothered to stop by my cube’ before. Do you think one personal visit in two-years is going to make me piss my pants with glee. Screw you and your inflated sense of self.

I’ve been anticipating that handshake for the last two-years. Every week --in this very blog-- I would write and write about shaking your hand. Late at night, when I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, I practiced that handshake because I wanted it to be perfect. The mere thought of our hands touching sent shockwaves of submission throughout my body. Oh yes. I wanted to meet your hand with surety and confidence. I so dreaded that my handshake would come across sloppy and limp with lots of drool. Once your powerful manager hand engulfed mine, I knew pure “appreciation.” Your handshake was awesome. Thank you for bringing meaning to my insignificant existence with your messiah-like handshake.

And thanks for the gift, too. What would be the perfect gift for a manager to give his subordinate? It would have to be symbolic in its oppression, yet understated in its message. How about a watch? Fucking perfect. Let the shackles of time remind me not to be late to work, to take 30-minute lunches (no more, no less), and to achieve the arbitrary deadlines set forth by your whim. Make sure the watch face is uncluttered so that the department’s logo can be clearly seen by all who gaze upon its holiness. You wouldn’t want me to forget who I work for and who controls the vast majority of my life’s time. This watch serves the dual purpose of a brand that proclaims your ownership of me. God forbid some random company might offer me a job; this watch should scare ‘em all away.

Bite me, management! Bite me and choke to death, you goddamn insecure oppressors.
...and so it was written, shenry at 7/28/2003 02:52:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .