A paraplegic lemur named God

Shenry is feeling abnormally feisty today, and he wants to tackle something a little harder than the mundanities of life and paraplegic lemurs. Seriously, paraplegic lemurs are easy to tackle. They can’t sidestep, run, bob, or weave; they just lay there waiting to be dogpiled.

At one point or another, everybody ponders the why of it all. Why am I here, and what’s up with this existence shit? I can’t answer this question. I never could and I doubt if I ever will. I’m no philosopher, theologist, sage, monk, or part-time guru. I’m naught but an internet persona. As such, one of the key concepts I repeatedly slam my Cro-Magnon forehead is the idea of god. The notion is a nut and I figure I can crack it if I keep bashing it with my skull. Unfortunately, all I have to show for my effort is a giant bruise and a decrease in neural activity. Let me review the many questions pertaining to god and my opinion on each:

Is god “the creator”? Did he create the universe and all that exists within it or is god a byproduct of existence? The way I figure it, it doesn’t matter. Even if god is “the creator” where did he come from? If I define god solely as the unconditioned condition (i.e., the first cause that resulted in the first effect) then god is reduced to a universal mechanism. I see “the creator” issue as a less important aspect of god.

Can I touch god? For real. Does god have a body? Can I chill with him on my couch this Sunday when I’m watching the Broncos/Chargers game? When the Broncos score can god clear my brother’s orange 6-ft bong, which is reserved exclusively for Bronco touchdowns? When the Charges score can I blaspheme him and mock his Magnum P.I. mustache? Or is god like the force a la Star Wars? An entity undefined by shape or physical location or time? I tend toward the impersonal view of god. It just doesn’t make sense for god to limit himself through physical shape. If god transcends shape then he is sexless and therefore “she” and “he” conventions are meaningless. Perhaps god should be referred to as the neutered “it”. I’m not saying god couldn’t manifest a penis or bobo. Hell, if I were god I’d manifest myself several of each.

Is god interfering? If I ask him, will he help the Broncos win this Sunday? This question assumes awareness. Before I start asking god for a raise at work, I should first figure out his level of awareness. I’ll be the first to say that, assuming god exists, he better be on a different mental playing field than I. He better have a much more advanced state of consciousness. If god and I shared the same brainwave, then right now he is devising a plan to get an abundance of poonami tonight. Given that god is a complex, advanced entity (who is not plotting to score some pussy) then I cannot understand his level of consciousness. Now, following my assumption that I cannot comprehend god’s mind, I doubt that he cares whether I get a raise or not. I’m not saying that god lacks the ability to interfere, but his interference is not a necessity.

Is god omnipotent? Conventional beliefs say “yes.” I figure I shouldn’t overlook the possibility that god has his limits. All the power in the universe will never make me like my arch-nemesis, Tobey Maguire.

Is god omniscient? I hate this question, because the traditional “yes” leads to complications with freewill. If god knows everything then he knows exactly what I’m going to do in 10-minutes. Since god knows what I’m going to do then I am predestined to do it; I have no choice in the matter. Predestination means I am not truly responsible for my actions. “It’s not my fault I slaughtered a dozen helpless short-buss children. I had no choice in the mater because I was predestined to do it.” Lack of responsibility leads to lack of societal consequences. I like freewill; thus, I hope god isn’t omniscient. I would even pray that god isn’t omniscient, but the inherent non sequitur makes such a prayer absurd.

God is good, right? Like Clinton Portis (who averaged 5-yards per carry last Sunday), this is hard to tackle. It seems to me that good/evil, moral/immoral, right/wrong, sexy/skanky are subjective values; ergo, god is neither good nor evil unless I want to subjectively assign such an attribute. Or so it seems to me. (I’m trying really hard to avoid deviating into a secondary discussion defining morality.)

Monotheism or polytheism? The concept of a pantheon of gods may appear a little outdated, but there is no reason to rule out the possibility. I find comfort in the thought of a dozen gods palling around huffing rubber cement fumes and playing ps2 games all night. Existence sounds lonely otherwise.

Does “In God We Trust” belong on our American currency? Given that there is no standard (e.g., gold) for our currency, it’s fitting. American money is only worth the trust that society has in it. In my opinion, the phrase is out of place on the dollar bill because it degrades the idea of god. Take the new Cadillac commercial with the Led Zeppelin tune as an example. Do I now think more highly of Cadillac because they are using Zepp’s Rock and Roll? On the contrary, I can no longer listen to that song without shuddering in pseudo-revulsion (only pseudo-revulsion as it is still a Zepp song and I love Zepp).

When I kick the KFC bucket, do I go to heaven? Although this question relates to god, I refuse to delve into it at this point. This question belongs in its own Do I Have a Soul article.

Does god exist? Fuck if I know. I believe it is impossible to absolutely know if god exists; however, the pursuit of this knowledge is not pointless. This ongoing pursuit is spiritual to the extent that is helps me define my place in this macrocosm.

Looking back, I effectively dodged every question. Knowing that I know nothing, my lack of concrete answers makes sense. If god exists, my tendencies are toward a non-personal, non-interfering, amorphous presence that transcends space. God would be much like that sinister pink cloud from the old Star Trek episode, Obsession. Remember, the cloud that sparkles menacingly and absorbs the hemoglobin of the red-shirt security guards who beamed down to the planet surface with Kirk. Yeah, that’s god!

On a personal side issue… As far as I’m concerned, it’s perfectly acceptable not to know if god exists. It bugs the shit out of me when a discussion like this occurs and people shake their heads ever so sadly as if to say, “Poor unenlightened bastard.” God damn it, I’m okay with my eternal inquiry. To those who claim to know god: When was the last time you reevaluated your god or do you blindly follow some prefabricated doctrine that you refuse to question? Knowledge of god does not equate to spirituality or enlightenment. I’ve known rigid atheists who are more spiritual then confirmed Catholics.

The point is I’m not ruling anything out. I’ll proceed with an open, albeit critical, mind in my definition of god.
...and so it was written, shenry at 9/11/2003 02:19:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .