excrete evolution

In the beginning there was the gompf stick, sheep’s wool, frayed rope, hay, coconut shells, saltwater-soaked sponges, hemp, and tundra moss. Only after much experimentation and several industrial advances came the progenitor of the paper with which we so lovingly wipe our asses. That industrial paper was then blended with cloth fibers, slapped on a roll, two-plied, quilted, and finally ridged. Hell, it’s been a while since good old tp has been improved. I seriously believe it’s due for an evolutionary leap. In 2001, some believed that moist tp was the next revolution. The crap paper industry gambled on this innovation and ended up flushing billions of dollars (okay, perhaps a bit of an exaggeration… millions not billions). Moist brown-star polishers were not the answer and these days you’re stuck with baby butt wipes if you want a wet ass paper experience. So what is the next advancement is rectal purification?

How about grit? Imagine toilet papers that vary in roughness as indicated by a standardized grit rating. Perhaps it’s time for the septic paper industry to take a page out of the sandpaper industry’s playbook. Grit. Grit of 40-60 would be highly abrasive and very useful for grinding away at cling-ons and dingleberries. If you have stubborn stool without the clingerberries then perhaps 80-120 grit is more appropriate. Standard toilet paper --not so jagged it removes skin and not so smooth that it merely smears the shit-- should grit in somewhere between 150-180. For those tender asses out there and for those people who get off on silk in the anus, a grit of 220-240 would feel as if you were wiping the bung with angel wings.

Grit is the answer. No two fecal smears are identical. No two puckered stars are identical, either. It’s time for more personal options when it comes to wiping, grinding, smearing, reaming, or whatever you do. Wouldn’t it be ideal to match up your technique and needs with an appropriate grit? Of course it would; you know your exploding expulsion hole better than anybody else.

Personally, I’d set up four or five tp dispensers in my home bathrooms so I could run the ass wad grits the same way carpenters run the sandpaper grits. I would start scathingly rough at 40 and slowly make my way through intermediate grits until I finish with a nice shining buff at 240. My ass would be even more unbelievable than it already is.

Sparkling clean, muthafuckah… sparkling clean.
...and so it was written, shenry at 1/12/2004 02:27:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .