I am the #1 worst list compiler

With the New Year, comes a flood of list such as the best movies of the year, highest selling musician, worst dressed celebs, etc. I enjoy a good list. They give me a pseudo-standardized mechanism to measure myself against.

Take imdb’s top ten movies ever (as of 9AM on January 5, 2004):

1. The Godfather: Yeah, this was an excellent movie, but I don’t think it’s the best movie in the entire history of the universe.
   
2. The Shawshank Redemption: Decent movie… maybe a top 500 spot, but I won’t guarantee anything more than that.
   
3. The Godfather, Part II: Eh, see #1.
   
4. LotR, The Return of the King: Almost an excellent movie, though too much slow-motion crying.
   
5. LotR, The Two Towers: A movie superior to its sequel, yet it rates lower on the list. This is not the way I’d rank ‘em.
   
6. Schindler’s List: I’ve never seen it.
   
7. Casablanca: This appears to be an appropriate and defendable ranking for this movie.
   
8. LotR, The Fellowship of the Rings: The relative rankings of the LotR trilogy is terrible; the first movie was far superior to the third movie. I still question the appropriateness of these movies warranting top 10 status.
   
9. Shichinin no samurai (a.k.a. Seven Samurai… I had to look that up): I could make a case for ranking this movie this high.
   
10. Star Wars: Man, I love this movie. I like to pretend that Episodes I and II never happened. Definitely top 10.

See, how fun was that? It was a riot a second. I’m not even a movie critic and I can trash a top 10 list like a pro. Sadly, constructing a top 10 list is beyond my sub par movie skills. I have no #1 movie. In fact, I have no #1 song, music group, videogame, food, shirt, bodily orifice, toy, cartoon, book… no #1 nothing. I totally hit the wall when it comes to cross-genre comparisons. Please explain to me how it’s possible to compare Law & Order to The Three Stooges. Both are so good, yet so different that it makes my lonely neuron hurt. Maybe if I were to restrict my top 10 list, like top 10 John Cusack comedies from the ‘80s (in no particular order, of course). But how weak is that? I don’t even know if I can come up with 10 movies for that list.

If you doubt my ability to produce a plausible top 10 list, then allow me to demonstrate by creating my own --off the cuff-- top 10 movies of all time list.

1. Rocky: I’m only ranking it #1 because it’s the first movie that comes to mind… that, and I truly love Rocky. Awesome movie.
   
2. First Blood: No, this isn’t a top 10 Sly Stallone list. I really like First Blood and First Blood Part II. Lately, I’ve been obsessing over these movies. I do not own them, but I want to. Unfortunately, the collector’s box set is out of print. I can’t have it (easily) and therefore I want it all the more.
   
3. Conan The Barbarian: I love Arnie just as much as I love Sly. Some people say that you can only like one or the other. Me, I’m a compatiblist and I believe it’s possible to love both.
   
4. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure: One night, in high school, I watched this movie four times in a row. If that doesn’t warrant top 10 status, then tell me what does.
   
5. The Changeling: I hate the way this movie freaks the shit out of me. Even typing the title makes me want to cover my eyes. That creepy wheelchair, those loud banging noises, the fucking ball… I hate the fucking ball! Bounce, bounce… bounce… roll… Ung, on to the next movie.
   
6. Blade Runner: Yeah, so what if I rate Bill & Ted above Blade Runner?
   
7. Casablanca: I’m wussing out here and letting imdb take over.
   
8. Ninja Scroll: I was going to let imdb take over, but I can’t allow Fellowship of the Rings to rate this high. Not today, anyway, maybe a decade down the line it’ll rank this high. Instead, I’m busting out some anime. Sure the plot of this movie is impossible to follow, but the animation, cartoon nudity, and bloody battles compensate.
   
9. Shichinin no samurai: See imdb list.
   
10. Star Wars: See imdb list.

Good god, I look at my list and I am saddened by some of the awesome movies that should be up there. Where is Alien, Aliens, Dude Where’s My Car?, The Good the Bad and the Ugly, Flash Gordon, Clash of the Titans, This is Spinal Tap? Shouldn’t these be on everybody’s top 10 list? There are only 10 spaces on a top 10 list and, obviously, that’s not enough. Top 10 lists should have 20 to 50 slots.

See what I just did there? I diverted blame. Instead of claiming (rightly) that my listing skills suck donkey sphincter, I have passed the blame (wrongly) to the inherent nature of the list itself. Wow, I am amazing when it comes to rationalizing fault away from myself. I rank #1 on the avoidance-of-personal-fault-and-consequences list. Sweet.
...and so it was written, shenry at 1/05/2004 01:17:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .