Thanks in part to the Patriot Act and thanks in part to the 9-11 Commission Report, the United States has initiated the centralization of domestic and foreign intelligence. As a result, the government is collecting the personal records of every U.S. citizen and compiling them on one mega-server. These records --everything from sealed juvenile offences to ongoing investigations by the Justice League-- are available to anyfuckingbody through an unrestricted website.

I'm tempted to be offended by this brazen disregard for personal privacy… but, you know, I'm finding this idea rather beneficial. I'm tired of trying to hide some of the stupid things I did in the past. I was young and dumb and full of… whatever. So screw it. Screw everything. I'm providing direct links to my personal records. I'd feel better if you heard about some of the shit I did (and some of the shits I took) straight from me.

• Sheep Molester Arrested: My most embarrassing moment was that time I got busted with that sheep. In my defense, I was in Wyoming and I thought that kind of stuff was legal there.
• Serial Masturbator Arrested: This happened at work. The funny thing is I didn't get fired, which just goes to show that it's impossible to get fired from a government job.
• Phantom Shitter Arrested: I'll be the first to admit that I have an unhealthy obsession with poo; I'll be the last to admit that I took it too far.
• Crack Dealer Busted: So what if I was selling crack to elementary school kids? I'm an entrepreneur.
• HarASSment and Misconduct at Work: This happened just yesterday. My boss deserved it! And I still haven't been fired.

I feel euphoric, like a giant concrete yoke has been lifted off my neck. Thanks for understanding guys.


And thanks to this fucking brilliant site: WasArrested.com
...and so it was written, shenry at 10/22/2004 07:56:00 AM.
...and so it was appended with .