My friend Benzi asked me for the website address of my favorite Death Test --the one I used to calibrate my Until I Die countdown on the right sidebar. As I was poking around the site, I found the Dateable Test and I couldn't resist its magnetic pull:

55% Dateable!
That's lower than the Worldwide Dateability Average of 62%!

You are neither more nor less dateable than your peers— welcome to the land of mediocrity, home of the masses! You have an undeniable animal magnetism, but you're just as likely to attract small animals as you are to attract human beings. Nevertheless, the people you flirt with generally find you funny and cute, or "fute." You have good hygiene, which is an imporant aspect of relationships involving two or more people. Avoid seafood and walks in the woods.

Compared to 3,379,687 other test-takers...
15% less dateable than you — 4% like you — 81% more dateable than you


Ah, this explains so much. Now, I can come to terms with one (out of many) of my lifelong frustrations. Thanks god for the Sexy Imported Concubines Catalogue; Sherry was in the upper right corner of page 5.

On a side note: The Spark has really change, and not for the better. I remember a time, about two-years ago, when the url was simply www.thespark.com. I remember a time when you didn't need to create an account to participate in any of their witty quizzes (granted it only takes 30-seconds to create an account, but I always get jumpy when sites like that ask for an email address). I remember a time when the quizzes were raunchier and less P.C. I remember a time when there was a link to free money --lots and lots of free money-- and when you clicked it dollars would rain from the sky like a plummeting swarm of injured monarch butterflies.

So goes life, I guess.

In a heroic attempt at killing time, I decided to take every test at The Spark and review them:

• Death Test: Five stars. Worthy of taking.
  
• Personality Test: Great questions... but the results are a bit of a let down.
  
• Wench Test: Couldn't keep my interest. I aborted the test after the second page.
  
• Gender Test: Great questions... especially the last page. Interesting statistics. They guessed my gender correctly.
  
• Untelligence Test: Fun. Enjoyable. I'm 67% Untelligent. The test concluded that:
  
  The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence, and his sense of observation is one of his best qualities. Considering this, he shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.
  
  But what concerns us most about the subject is his sinister and violent attitude. While we almost find it amusing that the subject would rather kill something than suffer a minor inconvenience, it effectively destroys his ability to survive tight situations. Our study suggests there is a large chance the subject will end up in prison!
  
  Finally, the subject displayed a poor (and a little bit boring) sense of humor, a nearly satanic lack of morality, and a arrogant and inflated self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals.
  
  
• Stress Test: Boring.
  
• Jerk Test:Too long for the weak results.
  
• I.Q. Test: Too long. It's supposed to be a real I.Q. Test.
  
• Lazy Test: Unimaginative.

I couldn't run the gamut. I'm sorry. Hitting four boring tests in a row killed my desire to continue. I just can't bring myself to do another.
...and so it was written, shenry at 1/11/2005 10:41:00 AM.
...and so it was appended with .