One of evolution's greatest practical jokes is the vast divergence between female and male sex drives. I understand the why. Women bear children as a result of sex. For practical purposes, women need not have sex but once a year. Men are wired to screw as often as possible in an orgasmic attempt to propagate their DNA. I understand it; I just don't like it.

Here's the story of what happens when Boy meets Girl:

Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy asks Girl out. Girl says, "Yes." Boy and Girl go on several dates (maybe just one date) and eventually they exchange bodily fluids. During the "new sex" stage, a lot of bodily fluid is exchanged. Three times a day, each session running the gamut of positions and techniques. Eventually thrice a day dwindles to twice, which dwindles to once, which dwindles to weekends only, which dwindles to weekly, to monthly, to annually per the optimum human female schedule. Boy and Girl are now married for a couple years. They might even have a baby scooting around. Boy wonders what happened to those glorious days of sexfest with his insatiable sexmachine of a girl. Boy still yearns for sex daily. Sometimes Boy tries to seduce Girl only to be rebuffed. Sometimes Boy simply bugs Girl for sex only to be denied. Denial and rejection become a regular occurrence for Boy. Boy slowly realizes that his insatiable sexmachine is gone. Boy resolves to subside on daily masturbation until Girl decides she's horny. Eventually Girl feels a tingle in her bobo and lets Boy itch the tingle with his peepee. Boy is happy, but Boy knows it is back to habitual masturbation until the next time Girl is horny. And so goes sex life.

This is the natural course of couples' sexlife. For every exception to the model, where Girl is a true nympho or Boy is a eunich, there are hundreds of couples that prove the model. Seduction and whining are useless wastes of energy, though men still put forth constant energy into both avenues at the same time. It's a futile two pronged attack. Men basically live life waiting to hear a woman say, "Hey, you wanna...?"

I'm cool with it. I accept it. While I curse evolution for its dumbass joke, I also thank it for blessing me with opposable thumbs, which are perfect for the five-knuckle shuffle.

I have a plan. It's a not a scheming plan to get more poon. No, I've tried all of those plans. It is a scientific plan designed to delve deeper into the psychology of sex. One day, Silver will roll over in bed and say, "Hey, you wanna...?" I will muster all the willpower in the universe and respond, "No thanks." My intent is not to be mean, or rude, or vindictive. My intent is to study and observe what happens when a man in a long-term relationship declines sex. I have a couple of theoretical response and I wish to see which is true. Possible female responses:

• "Cool. I didn't really want to either."
  
• Uncontrollable weeping and sobbing.
  
• "Wow! I think we're on the same wavelength now."
  
• "Please. I really wanna. C'mon, it's been --like-- a week sense we've done it."
  
• "Did you feel that breeze? I think hell just froze over."
  
• "Who are you and what the fuck did you do with my husband?"
  
• A big ol' slap across the face, "Snap out of it, man. I'm offering you sex."
  
• "It's okay, honey. Impotence happens to every guy eventually. I'm just glad if finally took hold on you."

I know, you know, and everybody in the universe knows that my little psychological experiment is never going to happen. I will never discover what happens when I decline sex, because --like a crack addict-- I can't say "NO!" I'm guessing that no (normal) man has such willpower, either.

The world may never find out what happens when Boy declines sex from Girl.
...and so it was written, shenry at 2/15/2005 01:32:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .