Your boss calls a meeting at work. You and your coworkers convene in the conference room. You take the seat closest to the door. As the meeting progresses the rampant stupidity ricocheting around the room makes your stomach churn and your head throb. This is not new; this is how all office meetings proceed and this is why you always choose the chair next to the door… easy exit in case the queasiness overwhelms you and you have to bolt for the bathroom. Such an emergency has yet to take place, but seeing as how office stupidity increases faster than the rate of inflation (and, damn, if we could all buy stock in stupidity we'd all be fucking rich) you know it's just a matter of time. Tick-tick-tock, gag-gag-hurl.

As the meeting wears on, the corners of your mouth begin to sag from passive indifference to bitter loathing. The wrinkles on your forehead begin to spell, "I can't believe you're all so fucking dumb!" The only way you know to fight back the tears of frustration is to visualize yourself reaching across the table, grabbing a random coworker by his greasy hair, and stabbing him in the eye with your mechanical pencil. Stab-stab-stab, click-click-click. Unfortunately, this exercise in fantasy aggression leaves your right eye twitching like a Tasered kitten. After the meeting you return to your desk and offer a prayer to the patron saint of boss assault, Latrell Sprewell.

Why put up with all that negative bullshit when there is a better way?

This weekend have sex on the conference room table. From now on, office meetings are going to be different. No longer will you sit in meetings trying to figure out which of your coworkers' mothers smoked the most crack while pregnant. Instead, you'll sit in meetings reliving the naughty desecration of the conference room. You may even smile faintly when your boss sets his coffee mug smack-dab in orgasm central. Think of the psychological advantage. You've marked your territory. You own that conference room. You have home-court advantage. Next thing you know, the subtle differences in your demeanor are noted by brain-dead upper-management and --BOOM!-- you're promoted to a position with twice the pay and half the responsibility.

And this is shenright.


(To give props where props are due: A coworker of mine brought this solution to my attention.)
...and so it was written, shenry at 11/26/2004 01:54:00 PM.
...and so it was appended with .